ever get the feeling you’re being too depended upon? like maybe if you just dropped your hands to your sides, everything you’re juggling would come crashing down and the disappointment that would surely follow would be more crushing than anything else you had hovering over your head in the first place?
at work, it’s my job to run things. not that i’m in charge, but i run it all. i have to know at any given time where anyone on the staff is, what they’re doing, who owes us what, who we owe what to, how to fix the copier, where to get the supplies, who scheduled what when, how to keep the network running, how to keep the phones answered, get the bills out, get our bills paid, and on and on and on… in my family i get to be the glue that holds what tiny little slivers of family are left together because apparently i’m the only one that knows how to say exactly what’s on my mind and for that i am punished. because clearly no one wants the truth, they just want some sort of warm fuzzy fakey feeling that resembles the truth. can’t do it. as for my self, well, i roam the earth without all my parts, which up until about nine months ago used to feel pretty strange until i had a serious reality check by someone that means the world to me; still and all, there is residual, peripheral things that seem to be having some effect on me that no one can figure out yet, and like most people that have something wrong but don’t know what it is, i’m hesitant to find out what it is, so i stall. which isn’t good. i need to know. about the only thing that i’m not juggling right now is my relationship because, thank god, it’s about the only non-stressful thing i’ve got going for me… except for this one little tiny aspect of it that revolves around geography and scheduling and finances and the fact that if it wasn’t for this juggling act i’ve got going on all the time would be just perfect.
and maybe that’s it. maybe no matter how hard i try to be everything to everyone, to be the one that everyone can count on to be there and take care of things and stay level-headed and calm, i just… i just… can’t.
wow. this one became a total downer, didn’t it? i need something to biotch about. seriously.