sorry i went almost a month there again. but i’ve been doing a lot of work around the house – i’ve been busy.

when i have had some down time, here and there, i’ve been relaxing the ways i generally do – reading, watching tv, playing games like “words with friends.” thing is, despite having asked people on twitter a number of times if they’ll play me, only a couple of you have taken me up on the challenge, so i let wwf match me up to a few random players. turns out, wwf has a pretty decent algorithm it uses to match you up to strangers, based on things like what part of the world you’re in, what your skill level is, your range of vocabulary and creativity, win-loss records and so forth. it works pretty well, for the most part, and in the past month or so, i’ve been matched up to three or four other people that were real challengers; our win-loss results have been pretty evenly split, our scores have been pretty close, and so forth.

the other nice thing about wwf (in my opinion), is that – like twitter – i can pretty well maintain my anonymity while still conversing with people that may or may not be potential friends. people i enjoy talking to. maybe we have a lot in common. maybe we don’t, but we enjoy a level-headed banter.

and then there’s this guy.

i don’t know what made wwf decide that we were a good match, but my money is on it having been a glitch in the system. our first (and, turns out only) game took place over the past 2+ weeks. i played words like: joyed, womb, brand, toker, ritz, dentist – averaging about 30 points per turn. he played words like: ya, dent, do, it, got, no – averaging about 7. meanwhile, he started chatting with me during the game. and i use the term “chatting” as loosely as i can here, because for the most part, he’d just say something like, “hey.” or, “what are you doing?”

being the kind of person i am though, i gave him the benefit of the doubt for a while, and kept playing. eventually, i was kicking his ass 500 to 100, which, frankly, was even less fun than our “chat.” and now, this:

i mean, seriously. if you’re a grown-up, you start a conversation with something intelligent. something like, “so, are you near the houston area?” or, “what do you do for a living?” or even, “what kind of books do you like?” when i start a conversation (if i start a conversation), those are a few examples of how i start them. not, “hey.” not, “how old are you?” and – predictably – i struck a nerve:

what the actual fuck, dude. for someone who prior to this moment never asked me anything more conversationally stimulating than, “do you like to play games?” (followed, by the way, with three little football emoticons – so of course i had to ask him if he meant like wwf or football, but i digress…) he sure has managed to dissect my inner workings and come up with some stunning conclusions about me, hasn’t he? we’ve “talked” for a grand total of 45 seconds over the course of nearly three weeks, but this guy. well, he just *gets* me, doesn’t he?

so let’s just take this on one at a time.

• a) yep, i’m a bitch. if by bitch you mean a woman who doesn’t take any shit from assholes like you, then yes. i’m a bitch. good on you for not misspelling “you’re” though.
• b) “hey” is not how you start a conversation, unless it’s followed up with something aside from silence. otherwise “hey” is a statement – or at best an exclamation.
• c) if you don’t care about the game, and you have “things to do,” why the fuck are you playing the game?
• d) you have not one fucking clue how “serious” or “deep” my “issues” are, nor will you ever – but i guaran-damn-tee you they have nothing to do with the messages i sent you. you seem to have mistaken adult conversation for “issues.”
• e) oh, wait, * i * have “anger problems” and a “bad attitude?” really? because, what – i didn’t want to be pseudo-flirtatious with a total stranger in the background of a game that you apparently don’t want to play in the first place? would my “attitude” have been better if i’d gotten all hot & bothered by his repeated use of the word “hey” and asked him for his number so we could hook up?
• f) “no man will have me” and i’m “all alone,” yet, i’ve been “used for sex my whole life.” well, you got me. no man will have me. but you know what? maybe that’s because i’m not something to be had. you “have” a car. you “have” a pair of shoes. you don’t “have” a person. also, i’m not all alone (which he would’ve known, had he ever thought to ask – and since i’m not concerned with a person’s relationship status when i just want to play a fucking scrabble game with them, i sure as shit didn’t ask him, either) and let’s just keep my sex life completely out of the conversation, shall we? although – i do find it interesting that in the same sentence i’m being told total opposite things: no one wants me for sex/everyone only wants me for sex.
• g) because i behave like an adult, no one is ever going to want me for anything except sex. got it. thanks for the clarification, doc.

this guy is exactly the kind of guy that feminist on tinder runs into all the time. but you know what? he’s actually the kind of guy that all women run into all the time.

guys, don’t be this guy.

women, don’t put up with guys like this guy.

parents: don’t raise your kid to be this guy.

oh – and he resigned the game, by the way. i won, 521 to 101.

but i think we can all agree the score was much higher than that, to be honest.