i am an inherently nice person.

i know i’ve said that before, and i’m sorry to repeat myself. but – well, first of all, it’s my blog, so i’ll say whatever the fuck i want. and second – this time i’m just sort of repeating it for myself.

here’s the thing: i’m struggling with something here. i fight my way out of a really, really tough shell to make new friends. and with every failed attempt, that damn shell keeps getting harder and harder. but when i finally crack it – hooo, boy – i probably come off as pretty desperate.

desperate. heh.

desperately *awkward*

it’s just – look, i’m the kind of friend where, you need me – you call me. i’m there. watch your kids? sure. help cover the rent this month? ok. drive you to the airport at 5:00 am? yup. but i’m also the kinda friend that’s like, omg, you like me, you really like me and that’s so fucking awesome and so i’m gonna totally show my appreciation for your friendship by like baking you cookies and sending you funny cards and witty one-liner stories because we have that kinda wacky sense of humor in common…

…and therein lies the problem, i think. i think people aren’t used to that kinda friendship now. i think we used to be, back like maybe 20 years ago. but back then, that’s when i really, really, *really* didn’t have friends. i had *a* friend. and that’s how we were then. and now that i’m finally at a place in my life where i’m learning to be my own *me* – it’s not like that anymore. so people are distrusting of my intentions. and that sucks, because, well – at the first sign of rejection of my kind of friendship…

fuck if that shell doesn’t get that much harder to get out of.

so i back off. and i withdraw. and i try to figure out what’s wrong with me, that people don’t want to be my friend.

i dunno. i guess i don’t really think that people don’t want to be my friend. i think there are probably a lot of people that do. i just don’t know how to be this middle of the road person. this “yeah, cool whatever,” person. how do i do that? how do i go from “all or nothing” to “better something than nothing?”