…or, “why i don’t really listen to alanis anymore.”

it’s been a long year; it’s been a short year. it’s been a fast year, that’s for damn sure. but all in all, it’s been a good year. i made yet another major change in my life by opting to stay with what i thought was an insane plan last fall, which was to become self-employed. it has it’s ups and downs to be sure, and there’s something to be said as to the implied “perk” of being able to work in your pajamas, but for the most part – it was a great decision and i’m glad i went with it.

and i guess that’s sort of the reason why i haven’t been blogging so much this year, or at least, these last few months. because for the most part, my blog was created as a place to blow off steam – at the world in general, at people around me in particular and what was usually my co-workers specifically. and like in other times in my life, when the chips were down for me, i focused all of my energies – good and bad – into my work; which usually resulted in having steam to blow off. but because my life is good now – great even (i won’t say “perfect” – no one’s life is perfect and if they say so, they’re lying), there’s far less steam. hence, less biotching. which is what i’ve been reflecting on these past weeks.

whether you know me or not, it’s usually pretty apparent that i *heart* alanis morissette. at barely 18 months my senior, she is easy for me to relate to in her life experiences (not the touring and being famous parts, the i have had my heart broken and dropped a spoon in the garbage disposal parts) and her ways of expressing herself have resonated with me for most of my adult life. granted, many artists have crafted songs, poems, lyrics, paintings, musings and photographs that have touched me in one way or another; but she has masterfully matched my life experiences year after year and given voice to the voice in my head by saying the things i could not say, relating to my joys and my pains in real, human ways and sharing the same feelings and emotions i have felt and had.

the first time i had my heart completely and totally trampled upon – i mean absolutely crushed; ripped still-beating from my body, thrown to the floor, stomped, kicked, cut up and ran over – was in 1998. i’d only discovered alanis about a year and a half previous, but imagine if you will how the lyrics to “you oughta know,” “right through you” and “you learn” gave voice to my anger and heartache. i would max out the volume and sing at the top of my voice to “Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity? I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner. It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced, are you thinking of me when you fuck her?” how much i identified with “forgiven” having come from a strict christian upbringing.  then later, when i wanted so desperately to prove myself at the office and was repeatedly ignored, how much “wake up” resounded with me, with lines like, “there’s an underestimated and impatient little girl raising her hand.” later that same year, when a (much) older (married) ex-supervisor from a previous job starting calling me to offer his sympathy/get me to like him, i’d listen to “uninvited” off the city of angels soundtrack… “Like anyone would be, I am flattered by your fascination with me. Like any hot-blooded woman, I have simply wanted an object to crave. But you? You’re not allowed – you’re uninvited.”

the next two years or so, i dove headlong into my career, spending first nine, then ten, then sometimes up to twelve hours a day at the office. i didn’t know what to do with myself in my off time, really. i baked, a lot. and didn’t eat much at all. alanis released “supposed former infatuation junkie” in 1998 and i admit, i nearly wore it out. and as time went on and i was better able to turn my past pain into anger at my ex, the song “are you still mad” helped keep the tears in check as i learned of his life moving forward. instead i would hold my head up, and when at home at night and on weekends, baking or cleaning, i would dance and sing with “thank you” and “so pure.” sometimes in low moments, i’d listen to “unsent” and relate matthew, johnathan, marcus, terrance and lou to exes from high school, or crushes i’d had but ignored. her “mtv unplugged” album released around that same time, and because i was alone a lot, i would relate to “these are the thoughts” and “king of pain” easily. in fact, i found myself feeling sorry for myself a lot, come to think of it. making songs like “that i would be good,” “the couch,” “can’t not” and “your congratulations” feel cathartic to me. balm for my wounds.

but then i met he-who-would-destroy-me. oh, not that i knew that’s who he was at the time. oh, no. at the time, he was every bit my knight in shining armor. he was the one who made me smile as i sang along with “head over feet.” he was my “prince familiar.” little did i know that only after i made the plunge – dove feet first into a relationship all my closest friends and my own father warned me against, not to mention my very own logic and reason, it would become apparent he was instead my “sympathetic character.” not that i ever let on.

in a matter of months, just under a year really, my strong, independent, free-thinking self became yet again an empty, blackened shell. i took all that was good in me, boxed it up and placed it on a high shelf in the back of my mind, where it’s warm glow peeking out of the cracks would burn me whenever i’d let myself wonder what i had gotten myself into. i had tried many times to explain alanis and what she meant to me to this man. i could have better explained it to a penguin. when i bought “under rug swept” and listened to it (safely in the refuge of my car, on my long commutes), i found myself fighting back tears at lines such as “i’m 13 again am i 13 for good?” in “so unsexy.” or “I’ll be worthy right? Only when you realize the gem I am.” from “precious illusions.” later that same year, the album “feast on scraps” was released, and i found myself trying desperately to latch onto that precious little box i’d packed up. i looked in the proverbial mirror with lyrics such as, “This talk of liberation makes me want to go lie down under the covers til the terror of the unknown is gone” from “fear of bliss.” i’d lost all ability to stand on my own two feet. i felt abandoned by everyone i trusted, and found myself blaming them with lines like, “You’re essentially an employee and I like you having to depend on me. You’re kind of my protégé and one day you’ll say you learned all you know from me. I know you depend on me like a young thing would to a guardian…” from “hands clean.” but the truth was it was me who had done the abandoning. i had gotten myself into this situation, i would have to get myself out.

somewhere along the way i got to see alanis live again. this time it was an acoustic set, and about halfway through that show, she sang “sympathetic character.” by that point, angry, hurt, and struggling to find any joy in being there at all, it was all i could do to sit still as the lines washed over me –

I was afraid you’d hit me if i’d spoken up,  I was afraid of your physical strength I was afraid you’d hit below the belt I was afraid of your sucker punch I was afraid of you reducing me. I was afraid of your alocohol breath, I was afraid of your complete disregard for me I was afraid of your temper. I was afraid of handles being flown off of I was afraid of holes being punched into walls I was afraid of your testosterone.

I have as much rage as you have – I have as much pain as you do – I’ve lived as much hell as you have – and i’ve kept mine bubbling under, for you.

you were my best friend, you were my lover, you were my mentor, you were my brother, you were my partner, you were my teacher – you were my very own sympathetic character.

I was afraid of verbal daggers I was afraid of the calm before the storm,  I was afraid for my own bones. I was afraid of your seduction I was afraid
of your coersion I was afraid of your rejection I was afraid of your intimidation I was afraid of your punishment I was afraid of your icy silences
I was afraid of your volume. I was afraid of your manipulation I was afraid of your explosions.

I have as much rage as you have – I have as much pain as you do – I’ve lived as much hell as you have – and i’ve kept mine bubbling under, for you.

you were my best friend, you were my lover, you were my mentor, you were my brother, you were my partner, you were my teacher, you were my very own sympathetic character. you were my keeper, you were my anchor, you were my family, you were my saviour. and therein lay the issue; and therein lay the problem.

by this time i’d settled into a routine; the real me buried, the outer me wooden and stoic, like a russian nesting doll. i almost perfected projecting this façade. i had to. to let it show any cracks or weakness was to invite punishment, and i had no strength to ward it off. every ounce of unused energy i had left had to go into the rediscovery and rebuilding of myself. i knew i was in there somewhere, i just had to get out. i listened to “sorry to myself” a lot then. “For blaming myself for all of your unhappiness and for my impatience when I was perfect where I was. Ignoring all the signs that I was not ready, and expecting myself to be where you wanted me to be.” i had to apologize to myself, before anyone else.

alanis released “so-called chaos” in 2004 and i bathed in it. it spoke to me. hell, it was me. from “8 easy steps:” “How to stay paralyzed by fear of abandonment, How to defer to men in solveable predicaments, How to control someone to be a carbon copy of you… How to keep people at arms length and never get too close, How to mistrust the ones who supposedly love the most, How to pretend you’re fine and don’t need help from anyone, How to feel worthless unless you’re serving or helping someone.” yeah, i could teach you all that in eight easy steps. then “My tendency to want to do away feels natural and my urgency to dream of softer places feels understandable.” from “out is through.” and then, from “excuses,” “These excuses how they served me so well; they’ve kept me safe, they’ve kept me stuck – they’ve kept me locked in my own cell.” and the hits just kept coming… from “not all me,” “It’s not all me, it’s not all my fault…” then, “Heartburn and headaches and soon-to-be ulcers. Compulsive yearnings non-stop to please others.” from “so-called chaos.” it was like i’d been doused with ice water the first time i heard “spineless:” “I’ll be low maintenance and agreeable. I will not talk about my dreams so much. I’ll listen to you for hours, won’t need anything…” is that what i had become? spineless? yes. so i began to grow a new one. i began to regrow altogether. it started with “everything:” “I can be an asshole of the grandest kind. I can withhold like it’s going out of style…”

like it or not, i taught myself to be an asshole. and i got out. i shed it all like 350 pounds of lead and learned to be weightless over the next two years or so. and, right on schedule, in 2008, alanis released “flavors of entanglement.” which was perfect. because i was finally, really, actually happy. not happy on the outside, dying on the inside. happy all the time.

well, most of the time. sometimes life at the office was a biotch. but since i was finally at a place in my life where my focus was on me, and not my work, it became easier to learn to leave it at the office at the end of the day. i stuck with eight-hour days. i think i gave up only one saturday in nearly three years. meanwhile, alanis sang, “I come alive and I get giddy I am taken and globally naturalized,” in “citizen of the planet.” i met the bf and laughed and sang with her, “You are the sexiest man I’ve ever been with. You, never hotter than with armor spent.” “in praise of the vulnerable man.” when i pushed back, it was he who said i was listening to bad tapes in my head. which was funny, really, because it just so happened there was a song called “tapes” on “flavors of entanglement.” those tapes said things like, “I’m but thorn in your sweet side” and “You are better off without me.” i’m glad now i didn’t listen. and as time went on, i started to notice i hardly heard any of it at all. i began to feel like if i really had suffered a total rebirth, maybe, just maybe, i should let this go, too. and when i discovered that i couldn’t relate to a sadly beautiful song, “torch” but instead, only felt sympathy for her, and what she must be going through, i knew we’d come to a crossroads. when she said, “These are the days of raw despondence, and I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like this.” it was no longer about me and someone. it was about her and ryan reynolds. and that’s all it would ever be about. well, fingers crossed, anyway ;op

but it was looking back at this path of rebirth and self-discovery that made it so much more fun to look to the future. to free myself from gut-wrenching worries. or at least, worry, but know that worrying was about as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. amiright? i look forward to horizons now. i’m still not the world’s biggest risk-taker, but i don’t automatically shy away from the unknown anymore. and fittingly, one last track of that last album was a perfect send-off, “giggling again for no reason:”

“I am driving in my car up highway one,  i left LA without telling anyone. There were people who needed something from me, but I am sure they’ll get along fine on their own. Oh this state of ecstasy; nothing but road could ever give to me. This liberty wind in my face – and I’m giggling again for no reason.

I am dancing with my friends in elation. We’ve taken adventures to new levels of fun.  I can feel the bones are smiling in my body, I can see the meltings of inhibition.  Oh this state of ecstasy;  nothing but road could ever give to me.  This liberty wind in my face – And I’m giggling again for no reason.

I’m reeling jubilation, triumphant in delight. I am at home in this high five, and I’m smiling for no reason.

I am sitting at the set of cali sun,  we’ve gotten quiet for its’ last precious seconds. I can feel the salt of the sea on my skin, and we still hear the echoes of abandon.  Oh this state of ecstasy; nothing but road could ever give to me. This liberty wind in my face – and I’m giggling again for no reason.”

alanis is happy now, too. last i heard, she was in love in her new nuclear family. she got what was surely the best christmas gift ever; her first child, a son, was born this year. his name is Ever Imre. imre is hungarian (fittingly) and, loosely translated his full name means “always in charge” or “forever ruler of the home.” i think she’s come to a crossroads, too. and i think she, too, might just decide it’s time for rebirth and refocus and to leave the past behind. we’ll see.

so happy new year to you. i hope the next year – the next decade – all of your tomorrows give you some opportunity to find yourself giggling for no reason.