the other night, as we laid in bed watching banshee on cinemax, there was a scene where the bad guy’s (kai proctor, played by ulrich thomsen) niece, rebecca (played by lili simmons) had hot, steamy, up against a wall sex with ‘sheriff’ lucas hood (played by antony starr) for the second time in two weeks. now, i don’t wanna get off on a rant here… oh, who am i kidding. of course i do. that’s the whole point, now, isn’t it? anyway, where was i – right, so they have this steamy-hot, up against the wall sex, and after they’ve both peaked (at the same time, i might add) he just pulls up his pants, and she just drops her skirt (because she of course isn’t wearing panties) for the second time in two weeks. i’m here to tell you, this is impossible on so many levels. now, now, before you call me a prude, hear me out.

first of all, they just fucking met, literally, minutes before the deed (the first time) and they’re both about nine sheets to the wind (that’s three sheets to the wind times three, if you missed it), and yet, he apparently manages to get it up, and she’s all hot and ready, and they do the deed standing up, and they’re done in minutes. but then it gets even more unrealistic.

ladies: tell me one time when you’ve had unprotected sex (as theirs presumably was, because, come on, this is cinemax and they were in a drunken flurry) that within moments afterwards you didn’t need to get, ehm… cleaned up? i mean – you know, gravity works. especially when you’re standing, and most especially when you’re walking. am i right? of course i am. voice of experience, here.

and guys – come on! (no pun intended) you know you’re full on sticking to your boxers at this point. and if you go commando, well – good luck with that not being a painful peel-out later. just sayin’.

this isn’t the first time these same circumstances made me have this dirty-minded train of thought. way back when in, what, season 2 (?) of grey’s anatomy there was the steamy, hot, on an exam table, in the dark, sex scene with derek and meredith on prom night. you remember:

what made this one stick out in my mind wasn’t so much that it took some special acrobatics on both their parts, but that no one noticed anything, and nothing got anywhere visibly on a black tux and a black dress. and, as all grey’s anatomy fans know, the next episode prominently features meredith’s panties being put on public display after this little incident, meaning that after the deed, she too managed to walk freely around with no panties on and never so much as awkwardly cross her legs.

i’m not saying there shouldn’t be sex on tv. if you don’t want your kids to see it, don’t let them watch. i’m just saying they all make it look so simple and clean and frankly – good sex; hot, steamy, sweaty, leaves the sheets wet and scratches down your back sex? it’s messy. you need to clean up afterwards. sometimes even a full-on shower.

alright, i don’t know that any of that really went anywhere, but at least i got it off my chest.

rant over.